Look Daddy, I’m the King…

This happened a little while back…still having nightmares about it…

True Story

So my wife and I take the kids out for a little dinner at the local Italian place… pizza and breadsticks, nothing fancy… when the toddler apocalypse hit in full force…

We are sitting in our booth…we always choose a booth so we can trap the little hooligans by the wall, preventing their escape and the potential destruction of the restaurant…my son is sitting on my side, my wife has our baby girl with her…

I look over at my son and he is doing something silly with a straw and a pack of sugar, I think to myself “ok, that seems innocent enough, I can take my eye off him for a second or two…”

So I say something to my wife, look down, reach to the middle for a breadstick…mmmmmm breadsticks….dip it in the sauce, and this place has awesome sauce….This takes literally like three seconds…and after those three second I feel a little hand tap on my shoulder and hear my son say

“Look daddy, I’m the king…”

I turn toward him and see one of those pizza stand things turned upside down on his head, and he’s pretending it’s a king’s crown…

I mean, surely a toddler couldn’t do anything crazy with a pizza tray holder, right?

 

So at first I laugh, and my inner irrational parent pride kicks in, “Oh brother, you are so smart and creative, you are going to invent a machine one day that can make food out of rocks and end world hunger,” You know how it is…parent goggles…

Little did I know the carnage that was about to unleashed on that poor pizzeria…

So I turn to my wife and say, “Mommy, take a picture of our little king…”

Now up until that very moment brother had been all smiles and good cheer, but right when the shutter snapped, his mood and expression changed…

 

Yeah. No way this is ending well.

 

I will never forget the next words that came out of my son’s mouth.  In a quivering little voice, brother looked at me and said

“Daddy, I’m stuck…”

What? I thought you were the king…I thought you were ending world hunger…stupid reality…

See that pizza thing, its made of cast iron.  My beast of a son didn’t just lightly put it on his head to pretend it was a crown…oh no…he somehow managed to muscle this medieval torture device down onto his head past his temples and the thing snapped shut on his skull…

And then he started screaming…aaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretty sure it  was 75% scared, 25% pain…either way my eardrum busted…

Everyone in the restaurant looked over at us…I tried to pull the “crown” off of him….yep, sure enough, stuck on his massive head…stupid genetics…

I look over at mom and say “Um…he’s really stuck…”

Ah, there it is, that panicked embarrassment in my wife’s eyes when our kids turn the world upside down…a mixture of worry and “what now/next”…reminds me of the sparkle of youth in her eye when we first met at college…

I’m the Hawaiian King

…So at this point my son grabs my neck screaming “HELP HELP HELP,” slamming the pizza holder into my face and nearly poking my eye out…

Gotta think fast, everyone is staring, jeez…why do I go in public anymore?

So I lay him down in my lap and start to pull….he screams louder….I try to pry open the square that is locked around his eyebrows…nothing…

How did he even DO THIS…the laws of physics mean nothing to a toddler…

Then the owner comes over with our waiter…who is crying…and he is freaking out.  I mean, I’m sure he was thinking “lawsuit” as he is watching my son trapped in this cast iron skull crusher, er, pizza holder…

In his broken English (the dude is an actual Italian) he says “Here-uh, try-uh dis-uh” and hands me a bottle of olive oil that was sitting on the table…

Um…sure…why not…can’t get worse…(no, no, no: first rule of parenting toddlers…it can ALWAYS get worse…)

So here I am, son screaming, infant crying, wife panicked and embarrassed, waiters standing in the background mouths agape, trying to translate whatever it is the Italian dude is saying to me…all while pouring an entire bottle of olive oil over my son’s head to try and lube this death trap off his hat rack…

Good times…

For future reference.

Ok, so the olive oil is not working, the pizza holder won’t budge… its actually squeezing his head worse I think…based on the screaming…

And of course, everything I do makes matters worse…

As I try to pry it off his head, the little designs on the thing start cutting and scraping his little head…which the olive oil is running through and probably burning the cuts…then the oil starts going into his eyes and brother starts screaming “my eyes my eyes”…

Another waiter starts crying…pretty sure that old couple in the corner got up and ran out the front door…did they pay?

I look over at this lady on the phone and she is like “don’t worry I just called an ambulance…”

Seriously?

My wife snaps out of her fog of embarrassment when she hears the word “ambulance”…she balances the checkbook in our house after all and ambulances are expensive… “The hospital is right down the road, we are NOT paying for an ambulance, lets go,” she ordered…

“OK, get the baby…” I reply… wouldn’t want to forget sister…

So we get in the car, and I realize that this pizza holder thing is kinda heavy…when I put brother into his car seat his head is drooping and flopping like a bobblehead doll in a tilt-a-whirl…so my wife has to get in behind him to hold his head steady…then we get stopped at a red light, dragging out the misery…great time for a picture!

 

I wonder what the people next to us at the red light were thinking when they looked over and saw THIS.

 

So we pull up to the hospital, I jump out, grab brother and run in…I hope nobody steals the van…

The automatic doors open and as I walk in I lock eyes with this nurse sitting behind the admissions desk.

Now everyone complains about long waits in emergency rooms…but I had no trouble getting in!

That nurse took one look at the thing stuck to my son’s head, hung up the phone, put down her pen, got up and went and opened the door to the ER…never said another word…

When we walked into the back a doctor jumped up and rushed us into a room…nobody really knew what was going on, for all they knew this thing was impaled through brother’s brain.

So every nurse within earshot is suddenly in the room….it looked like something from the T.V. show ER (which was never the same without Clooney)…

Dr. Doug Ross would have had that thing off his head STAT

Another doctor comes in, nurses are trying to  hold brother down, then the doctors try to pry off the pizza holder together, no luck, they try some KY jelly as a lubricant…I’m like “olive oil didn’t work”…the doc looks at me strangely…

I look up and my wife is out in the hall taking care of sister, she has a look of half worry and half  “is this really happening” look on her face…

A nurse is crying over in the corner…I look out the door and across from me is some old dude in a hospital gown peeking out of his door, pulling his IV behind him…

100% certified Madness

So then two EMT guys roll in out of nowhere with this jaws-of-Life bolt cutter things (seriously, there are like 15 people in this room by now)  and they are like “we got this.”  So the two doctors and I hold brother down and the EMT start cutting this thing off his head piece by agonizing piece.

What could go wrong.

 

Now two nurses are crying, and hugging each other for support…

Man…I could use a hug…

Snap!

Finally the “crown” comes of and a cheer erupts in the room.  Brother jumps into mommy’s arms finally released from the evil pizza holder of doom…the grandparents showed up and took sister…how did they get here so fast?

The main doctor pops out his cell phone and starts taking pictures of the pizza holder and brother….he’s all “man, that was like something off T.V. or something…I gotta get some pictures, nobody will believe this…”

 

Poor little zombie

Brother calmed down after a few minutes and was back to his old self, only some swelling and a few scrapes to show for his ordeal…

So NOT the king

So our nice little family outing kind of derailed and spiraled out of control.  Which pretty much happens any time we leave our house.

Which is why we rarely leave our house.

It is amazing how before you have little kids you really take for granted simple things like eating out, or sleeping or not always being stressed out from keeping other people alive.

In the end though, I’ve probably eaten out thousands of times in my life, and most of them are just sit down, swallow food, get up and leave.  How boring.  Add a couple kids and a pizza holder and you have scars…er…memories that last a lifetime!

Until next time…Survive!

What’s the craziest thing that has ever happened at a restaurant because of your toddler?  Leave a comment or submit your story for publication!


Comments

Look Daddy, I’m the King… — 14 Comments

  1. I’m seriously laughing so hard I’m crying!!

  2. cynthia on said:

    My story doesn’t top this by any means, but it is one that we will be reminding our daughter of through out our her life. When our daughter was only 1 yr. old we decided to go on a vacation to Florida. We had only been parents for a couple of months (our daughter is adopted) & so we still weren’t as prepared as many other parents. While we were staying in Florida we decided we would walk up the street with baby in carrier & grab some dinner. We didn’t take an extra change of clothes because again we were literally just going up the street & didn’t think it was necessary. We’re never making that mistake again. We decided to eat at a Greek restaurant which was extremely over crowded & we’re sat smack dab in the middle. As we were sitting there waiting for our dinner & eating our hummus we noticed our daughter was eating some as well. My husband & I looked at each other & both asked “did you give that to her?” because we didn’t see either one of us feed her. As we were trying to figure out this mystery it hit me like a slap in the face & that was when I lifted up her skirt & noticed an extreme blow out all over her high chair. She was eating poop in the middle of this Greek restaurant & we were more unprepared than we had ever been in our lives. All of a sudden the smell rose all around us. People were dropping their gyros in their plates left & right. I grabbed up our daughter & maze bolted to the bathroom which was full. I ran out of all the wipes within seconds. She was covered all over, I was even wearing her poop & all we had was one diaper. My husband joined me & was in the women’s bathroom trying to help me with our child. When we had cleaned her as much as possible I finally left the bathroom with her & had to cary her through the restaurant naked with a horrible stench. We were able to make it out & walk back down the street quickly, but there was still a pile of poop in her high chair.

    • gunsblazen on said:

      Oh my word that is AWFUL lol. Well, look on the bright side, if you can SURVIVE THAT you can make it through anything. Bring on the MAYANS!!!! haha…

  3. Charles A. Durham on said:

    Only in our family, Man – Only in our family!!!!

  4. Carol Sullivan on said:

    Over 50 yrs ago, when my sister was a tot and the first enclosed mall opened near our home, my step-mom to said sister to mall and decided to have lunch in the cafe with an iron railing overlooking the foyer of the mall. My sister poked her head between the rails – pigtails and all – and could not get it back. Much screaming and sobbing before the paramedics arrived to dismantle the railing. I was safely in school that day, so was spared the embarassment; as also happened on the day in Sears kitchen and bath department when she loudly announced, “Mommy, I used that pink potty!”

    • gunsblazen on said:

      LOL…funny thing is, I’m having so much trouble potty training my little boy I might be HAPPY if he used a potty in the department store!!! hahahaha, awesome comment Carol!

  5. Poor little fellow. Thanks for sharing this made my day. We too spent some time recently at the ER. Got the dreaded mommy I’m bored today and this cheered and made me chuckle. Thanks

  6. Cheryl Griffith on said:

    I laughed so hard I was crying too….. my husband looked at me like I was nuts. I needed that. I’m glad he’s ok.

    • Shane Sams on said:

      No its not Jo-Lynne lol. I’ve got more where that came from is the sad thing haha!

  7. Wow, I was your 300th FB share. Why? Because this is funny (because he’s okay) and parents can all relate! But what I really want to know is did Clooney really autograph that photo for you or is it something you found online? Because an autograph from him would make you the king! I worked with his dad in Ohio – little did I know I should have been asking to meet his son! :-)

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